Any lessons from the Kenyan elections?

BENJA: Daniso, you seem pensive. What's eating you?

DANISO: Some thoughts don't easily lend themselves to conversation, young man.

BENJA: You could've fooled me. I thought if at all there's a man who's capable of verbalising his thoughts, uncensored, that man is you.

DANISO: Sometimes my thoughts are too entangled even for me to unravel.

BENJA: That will be the day. Anyway, what do you think of the Kenyan electoral process right up to the Supreme Court's decision?

DANISO: Uhmm ... let's see now. The electronic registration, voting and transmission of results were a total debacle. Whoever was responsible should've had his ass fried. But in the final analysis, despite a few other minor wrinkles, the result they got is what they would've got even in a glitch free election.

BENJA: I'm of the same opinion.

DANISO: I was also very impressed by two women, bowled over in fact.

BENJA: Really and who are those two?

DANISO: I thought Martha Karua was the best candidate in the first debate, I didn't watch the second one. She was very articulate. But elections are about money and she didn't have lots of that, apparently.

BENJA: You rated her that highly?

DANISO: If I were Kenyan I would've voted for her.

: Who's the other one? The Registrar of the Supreme Court?

DANISO: I must say she sounded very professional, but no. It's Daina Kethi Kilonzo, the youngest and only woman counsel. She was quite a revelation. In fact she's become quite a sensation even on Twitter.

BENJA: Aren't you holding back something?

DANISO: I'll be the first to admit that her brilliant brain is fronted by an exquisitely sculpted face and her body packaged in such a way that makes even this old man's loins stir. Yes, she's beautiful and very sexy.

BENJA: I knew it. I knew it.

DANISO: But it's her brains that awed me more. You know I'm a sucker for brilliant minds. After all, it's really a woman's mind that a man is in a relationship with, not the body however well packaged.

BENJA: I'm not so sure about that but I'll let it pass. Now, if you were to draw only one lesson from the process, what would it be?

DANISO: That's a hard ask considering that there are a number of things I would wish replicated here in Malawi ... the debates, for example. They were very well organised. But I suppose the main lesson is that if there are any disputes, any resultant court processes should be dispensed with first before a president elect is sworn in.

BENJA: I also liked that part. But then it's in their new constitution.

DANISO: I know. Anyway, enough about the elections. What's the name of that KTN presenter who was at the Supreme Court, do you remember? The woman? She was excellent.

BENJA. The one with a wedding ring?

DANISO: She's married? Damn!

Malawians politicians are all cut from the same cloth

Lucius Banda composed Ali ndi Njira Zawo

BENJA: What's that song by Soldier Lucius Banda about these people being all the same?

DANISO: Which people now? Minibus drivers?

BENJA: Of course minibus drivers are all the same. But I'm talking about politicians.

DANISO: Oh, I remember now. You mean 'Ali Ndi Njira Zawo'? I love that song. So relevant to our own political setup.

BENJA: Yes, that's the song. All Malawian politicians are really from the same gene pool. They are greedy conniving egoistic kleptocratic plunderers of public resources, with absolutely no vision for our country.

DANISO: You're right. Their vision doesn't extend beyond their feet. But they've a very good sense of smell though.

BENJA: You're kidding, right? Strong sense of smell when they've to mix with so many unwashed bodies during campaign rallies?

: Not that kind of sense of smell. Our politicians have good noses for homing in on corrupt deals ... not to prevent them, mind you, but to join the plunder.

BENJA: Anyway, what I wanted to say is that Malawian politicians are the same regardless of which parties they belong to. Look at how they abuse MBC, our so called public broadcaster.

DANISO: I don't even listen to it, let alone watch it.

BENJA: Considering that you've neither a radio nor a TV, I'm not surprised ... Hehehehe ... Anyway, each party in power would rather MBC remains on the shortest of leashes.

DANISO: To be unleashed at their whim as a propaganda tool..

BENJA: Very useful during campaign periods. That's why even though the opposition has the numbers in the current parliament to push through private members' bills, none will be introduced that would permanently reform MBC to keep it out of the stifling clutches of future ruling parties.

DANISO: Because they would also like to be abusing it in the same way should they get into power in future elections?

BENJA: Exactly.

Benja and Daniso take pot shots at Chimunthu's challege

Chimunthu throws down the gauntlet
BENJA: Why is it anathema in DPP for someone to challenge Peter Mutharika to be the party's 2014 torch bearer? Why should all sorts of conspiracy theories be postulated just because someone has dared to throw his hat in the ring?

DANISO: I'm surprised you're surprised. You should know that the 'D' in their name is just there for cosmetic purposes. Scratch beneath the makeup, and you'll find the real Kaliati, ... er, I mean the real DPP.

BENJA: [Laughter]. Kaliati, eh! I'm sure it was your talk of makeup that got you lost in Akweni's image in all her made up glory.

DANISO: I think so. But the truth is DPP is democratic in exactly the same way as the Democratic Republic of North Korea.

BENJA: So maybe they should just drop the 'D' and be known simply as Progressive Party.

: Progressive! There's nothing progressive in DPP's bone. Each day that passes they're reverting more and more to form. Already we've seen the violence that used to be synonymous with party rear its ugly head again.

BENJA: Just as well considering that there's party that's already known as PP.

DANISO: Maybe they can change to TPIEITP instead?

BENJA: Now that's a mouthful. But what would it stand for?

DANISO: This Party Is Entrenched In The Past.

BENJA: Hey! There's no way they would accept that name. Anyway, talking of challenges, why is Chimunthu pursuing this thankless task? DPP's 2014 candidacy is firmly in Peter's hands. Anyone who thinks he can wrest it away from him is either deluded or high on weed.

DANISO: Well, there's lots of weed where he comes from, no? But in my opinion I think he's just a masochist out to enjoy the pain of experiencing a waste of his time and resources.

BENJA: You think there are virgins out there for people who commit political suicide?

DANISO: I've never been a politician so I wouldn't know.

Daniso unreachable

Gondolosi, giving a herbal push to Malawian men for generations.
Photo courtesy of Elson Kambalu

BENJA: JFK, have you seen Daniso today.

JFK: No, not today. Maybe he has a visitor.


JFK: Uhmm ... A VISITOR.

BENJA: Not a bad idea considering how chilly Blantyre is today.

JFK: I just hope he doesn't require a herbal push.

BENJA: A herbal push! Daniso? He doesn't strike me as someone who would willfully take mugfuls of anything without a prescription.

JFK: You never know. You see, men your age bother their women almost on a daily basis.  Oh, yes. Women even run out of headache themed excuses.

BENJA: No way!

JFK: Oh yes! Women even end up going to nights of prayer just to get away from their demanding husbands. Some even cut a finger or two to produce some blood to use in faking an out-of-sync that time of the month.

BENJA: Don't tell me.

JFK: Uhmm. Anyway, women get tired. But as the years go by, it's the women who do the bothering, and it's us the men who've to come up with excuses. Not on a daily basis, thankfully.

BENJA: You can't be serious?

JFK: Young man, I'm dead serious. Say a man fulfilled his duties on a Friday ... in the wee hours of the morning because he would be applying for a visa for a Fathers' Day outing later in the day ... and on a Wednesday the wife felt like she was due a repeat ...

BENJA: And ...?

JFK: Iwee! "Kodi mai, bwanji kodi?" he would protest. "Sitapanga dzana-dzana lomweli ... yeah, we did it just the other day, not so"

BENJA: Then a herbal push would be the answer, no? Or the blue pill, if one can afford it.

JFK: But not without a prescription, young man. Haven't you ever heard of men orgasming themselves to death?